My mom was thoroughly confused about my little panic episode from my last post and that’s when I had to clarify that I didn’t get to that part yet! I was hoping to avoid it all because now that I’m back in NYC, it all feels so far away. Still, I better finish up my story about my brief flirtation with Ayn Rand and how I used it as an excuse to freak myself out.
The short of it is that at the end of my perusing of Rand’s book I decided that I was due for a reckoning. How so? Well, here I am traveling the globe, occasionally paying my bills late, having my sister deposit my meager earnings, and rescuing me when I fall a bit short. If Rand’s to be believed, I have taken leave of my senses and am living the highlife on someone else’s dollar. Who cares if I’ve decided to see if the universe will be generous to me? It actually has. Who cares if I’m trying to shift my thinking/feeling and figure out how to actually do the things I want? I’m getting there slowly. My takeaway from Ms. Rand was a harsh talking to: you better take care of your business or you are going to fall on your ass! You have not signed on for a more authentic life, you have actually checked out of your life and you do not deserve to succeed in any way. Yeah, Ayn is just as harsh as that little voice in my head.
I land in Shanghai, met up with my bud Jee, and caught some awesome Feli & Nadal tennis. Happiness! Then I try to get some cash out of the ATM and no money! What???? I start to panic but then I check my email and find a little note from my bank saying they have frozen my account, because they fear someone has taken my card and fled to Shanghai. No problem! I’ll just call and sort them out. Well, easier said than done. After about 2 hours of wrangling I finally manage to sort it out with my bank and they assure me that I will have access to my account by the time I wake the following morning. Sweet! Next morning, I go to the ATM, still no cash! Now I’m worried, because I need cash for the hostel. I know, how dare they not take credit cards? Anyway, after lots of hassles, a crying fit on the phone where I float the idea of just returning home early, and a stern but helpful hand from my sis, I have cash in my hand. I pay my hostel, soothe myself with some tennis on TV, and have a fairly fitful sleep. The following day, I go to the ATM, and viola, money is mine again! I watch a marathon of men’s quarterfinal matches at the tourney, am forced to take a cab ‘cause the metro stops at 10:30 PM, and finally get a good night’s rest on Friday night. After a mellow Saturday of wandering around Shanghai, I settled into myself enough to pose the question: what the heck happened and how did I lose my cool so completely?
As you might have guessed, a dose of Rand mixed with feelings of guilt and inadequacy proved to be a deadly combination. I had determined that I had done nothing to deserve my year of tennis and that I must pay for it in some way. Unlike the Objectivist ideal postulated by Rand and secretly subscribed to by me, I was not making these trips happen through a wholly rational and reasoned manner but by a bit of wishing, hoping, praying, and some crazy hustling! Is that any way to demonstrate mastery of the world? And how about all the helping hands I’ve accepted along the way, why it’s positively welfare-like, the way folks have been generous in offering accommodations, tickets, a drink or a meal on my many stops. I feel grateful but I also feel guilty, undeserving, and selfish. So, my freak out in Shanghai was a horrible self-flagellation. It was exactly what I was I was due for daring to try to create something whose end remains unclear and unknown; better to predictably suffer, even at my own hands, than to continue to put myself out in the world and be blessed as I have been thus far. Does that make any sense?
As I’ve welcomed a friend and former work colleague from LA these past few days, my Shanghai freak out continues to reverberate. In many ways, I’ve been hiding my true colors behind “noble work” for a long time; it’s scary to admit how very little I cared about some of my paid work, even if I was good at it. It’s a tremendous challenge to assert yourself when you have only ever found value in self-sacrifice for some imagined public good; without any sacrifice in sight, I’m left feeling awfully SELFish indeed.
Trish honey, yes it all makes sense. Sort of. In a bigger picture kind of a way. You’re a lady after mine own heart and you’ll have to excuse this blog sized response:
I was a man who THOUGHT he was choosing his own path, pursuing his own goals et al. I lived productiveness, rationality and pride BUT I didn’t acquire reason, purpose or self-esteem. Quite the opposite actually.
Maybe I need to give this book a squiz but my experiences have taught me that so called rational thinking is influenced by and is a subset of one’s experiences to date and that it flexes with the linear passage of time. ie a rational decision I made in 1998 might not seem so rational now.[Sidebar: So was the decision rational to begin with? Who is to say? Does there exist a deity of rationality somewhere who holds all the answers? All I know is that I set a SMART goal, applied a logical unemotional process to the decision making process and made decisions which with the perspective of time seem insane.]
So it’s not only feelings that are unreliable and subject to change.
You may be annoyed that after all these words I really don’t have an answer for you. All I can do is tell you about me: My new philosophy doesn’t isolate any aspect of myself. My fearsome logic, my rampant sexuality, changeable feelings, my insatiable need for beauty, communication, love, approval … right or wrong, rational or emotional, all of that whizzes around inside then wow! presto! A decision. An action. It’s still early days yet so can’t say whether time or experience will send me back to the drawing board.
And also when it comes to life philosophies, I do not believe there’s a one size fits all/cookie cutter solution. I can see how the application of an objectivists philosophy can make some people happy yet I know from first hand experience that it’s not infallible. Instead of feeling awfully selfish, you’ll feel awfully burnt out.
I think Ms. Rand resonated because it’s very much the thinking with which I was raised and I don’t think I’ve killed its power to tie me up in knots yet. A friend said to me that I’ve not embraced this road I’ve set myself on as yet. She may be right…I gotta be willing to make it up as I go along. Otherwise, I should have just stayed on the straight and narrow.
In one of her books, can’t remember which one now, she wrote that she hated when an author attributed creative inspiration to an other worldly source. The proverbial, “it was like someone else wrote it.” She was all about taking personal responsibility not only for the tasks that man must accomplish, but for the things that man creates. Most people will either take all of the blame, but none of the glory or all of the glory and none of the blame. What she preached was that all actions are attributed to the self. One should not believe that “God” will provide but that “You” are capable of providing for yourself. IE, accepting people’s generosity can either be attributed to God giving you a meal (outside), or that you have been such a good friend (inside) that people will want to feed you if you’re hungry. Luckily, there is a catch-all if you want to believe in God and your own capabilities: God helps them who help themselves. 😉 However, you also have to realize that you did “work” for the “blessings” you have received. You have provided caring, nuturing relationships for people which is then reciprocated in money, shelter or food. Nothing is free. Another thing Rand fervently believed.
Yeah she is rabid in her believe in the superman. On one level I can appreciate the validation: you are the master of your fate, you deserve all that you seek! But then there really does seem like there is a dark side where man is the first and last, it just makes me uncomfortable.