Doubt came for a visit and lingered…

I was talking to my sister the other day and she mentioned that it’s been awhile since I posted. I told her that two dreaded words, reality and practical, had entered my vocabulary; I was laying low hoping to exorcise them. You know the refrains that are inevitable buzz killers:

Come on, you’ve got to be practical;”
“You didn’t really think you could spend your entire year on the tennis tour?”
“It’s time to get back to reality. Maybe you should think about getting back to the 9-5 grind.”
“You don’t even have a 401K.”

Blah, blah, you get the drift! These and other phrases were doing battle in my head and before I knew it, a week had passed and I was feeling lethargic and out of sorts. I suppose it was to be expected, the US Open was one of the best experiences I have had to date on the tour and I was spent after it. I didn’t think my luck would continue to hold and I invited doubt to sit at the table with me. You know once doubt enters the room, it permeates everything and soon you begin to question your vision, your self-belief, and even the way you negotiate your way in the world. Oh yeah, it got that bad! I even started wondering if I was a little mad for going on this adventure in the first place. I mean, what’s the point? What’s the big win at the end of this whole shebang? My devious little brain immediately went into overdrive and wanted to control all aspects of the remaining adventure. It wanted me to decide who I was going to be and the outcomes I wanted to achieve BEFORE I said go. So, I put the brakes on and did two things that usually get me out of trouble: I prayed and went home to my mummy!

If you remember, the control freak that I am considers prayer last instead of first. I have to wring my hands, try to manipulate the universe, and only after I’m spent, do I cry UNCLE and SUBMIT: I give up, I can’t control the sun, the moon, and the stars. That’s exactly what I did on Friday night. I said the following:

I’m completely at a loss to squelch the fears that are assailing me right now. I really want to make it to Asia and continue my vision of traveling the tennis tour to London, but I’m beginning to worry about my finances, my future, and even my ability to make all the things I envision happen. I’m feeling overwhelmed, at a loss, and confused. Please help me to see a way to enact my vision and continue the journey that I have started.”

I took some very deep breaths and then I went to sleep. The next morning, I got up and boarded a bus to Philly to visit my momma. On the bus, I was reading a book for work and crying buckets, because it was a tearjerker and a bit of a downer. I completely lost myself in the book and when I emerged, the first thing I thought about was how lucky I was to be alive to make plans and try to create the life I wanted to live each day. I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude that I could be frustrated because I had the freedom to strive for a life I envision, even if it was not working right now. When I got to the house and I was enveloped by the familiar smells of my childhood home, I immediately ran to my old room and made myself comfortable, perusing through old notebooks and cheesy romances that filled my teen years. The sense of peace and calm that descended over me was indescribable.

Right now I am blocked on all sides and I gotta let things be for a bit. I know tennis begins in Asia in October and I will be there. How, I’m not entirely certain but I’m prepared to be surprised. Doubt, I don’t want to hear it!


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